kickin it velvet

2011-01-18T12:01:00.000-05:00

"Relationships are often a 'two steps forward, one step back' process as two people learn to dance together. There is always a period of adjustment and learning about your partner, and that period of discovery is often the most fun, but sometimes also causes heartache when expectations are off in some way."
For Aquarius.

i am, in no way, close to being an aquarius, but that quote is so en pointe to everything that's happening in my life at the moment. relationships make one so vulnerable, just about anything can hurt you. not fair, really, because, in my experience, it's hardly a two way street.

X

2010-04-01T18:00:00.004-04:00

The internet has made things so accessible that there is nowhere to hide. Anyone can talk to everyone. No barriers. No boundaries. No closure. No escape.

The X caught me on in his cyberweb and I could feel the loneliness seeping through the cracks. He always called me " the one that got away". Our passion was insurmountable, I've never felt anything like it since. Every time we're around each other it feels as if two points of the universe finally saw it's mirror image and everything just made sense. Now we're apart and absolutely nothing does. I don't believe it ever will. But we were too young, too unprepared. We tried three times to make it work and were always left with a parched tongue.

There are things that hide and wait

2010-04-01T18:00:00.001-04:00

FIVE things you wish you could say to FIVE different people right now:

1. i know you're lonely. and that it's my fault. for that i am sorry.
2. you go through men like socks. they continue to treat you like nothing. i wonder if you'll ever be happy.
3. i think you love me. i'm not sure though. sometimes i think you don't know what love is. and then i remember: neither do i.
4. really wish you lived closer. you got me through those dark times. i still love your hugs.
5. someday i hope someone does to you what you did to me.

TEN things about yourself:

1. i really like vanilla yoghurt.
2. i wish i could major in art/fashion, but i don't know what i would do with it.
3. i am THE procrastinator.
4. i don't have a head of hair- it's a MANE.
5. i am horribly dyslexic.
6. i am a complete insomniac- but i don't mind.
7. i come from a very mixed background.
8. i love getting dressed every morning.
9. i wear very little makeup.
10. i like the mountains better than the beach.

SEVEN ways to win your heart:

1. love me for who i am.
2. don't tell me what to do.
3. kiss me on the forehead and tell me you missed me.
4. talk to me. teach me things. let me teach you things. do not condescend simply because i don't know. bet there are things you don't know, too.
5. be interested in whatever is unordinary.
6. love yourself even more when you're around me.
7. think logically and passionately.

SEVEN things that cross your mind a lot:

1. fuck. this.
2. soooo sleepy.
3. soooo hungry.
4. zzzzz.
5. i hate everyone.
6. wish i could teleport.
7. i hate you, weatherman.

FOUR things you do before you fall asleep:

1. surf le internet.
2. make myself a cup of tea (green tea with blueberry, please!)
3. do homework.
4. drink a giant glass of water.

FOUR things you see right now:

1. my toes.
2. my fingers.
3. my eyelashes (they're deceivingly long)
4. my empty tea cup.

THREE songs that you listen to often:

1. Quiet- This Will Destroy You
2. I'm Not Listening- The Used
3. Battery Point- Beak

TWO things you want to do before you die:

1. live in france.
2. be respected.

ONE confession:

1. i don't shower everyday.

Happy Vagine Day

2010-02-14T14:42:00.002-05:00

...also happy Nationally Getting Laid Day.

Do i love you?

2010-02-11T11:33:00.002-05:00

I've been through this with every person I've ever dated. I feel like I'm 27 going on 57.

I've just come to realize that I am, at heart, a very restless soul. I know I love the people around me, I know I have loved and been loved in return but I have this tendency to question whether or not I've actually been IN love. With nothing to compare it to, I've simply dated to date and thus been in monogamous relationships my entire life.

The funny bit is that I don't even believe in monogamy. Humans are horrible to each other; we cheat, lie, steal, use and abuse each other to the point of questioning a different person because of what a previous person did. I enter into every relationship hesitatingly, cynically and with a jaded heart. Sometimes I wonder if I am, as an ex delicately put it, an emotional robot. I don't feel anything.

If you don't love the person you're dating, tell them. At least, in the end, you know you've been honest. Its not about letting THEM go if you love them, its about them letting YOU go because they love you. But I've always taken the safest route and uttered the two most harmless words,"I'm bored." There are so many people out there, its impossible not to wonder if you wouldn't have more fun with someone else. In the end I feel that its not about letting THEM go if you love them, its about them letting YOU go because they love you.

Dudes

2009-12-02T13:44:00.001-05:00

As much as I love 'em I do have to wonder sometimes...yesterday I went to get the oil changed in my car and was delighted to see the garage filled with pretty boys. In approximately 20 minutes I was told that I had nice toes, I was asked if I was a model and 3 of them told me they dug my sunglasses. The toes comment was pretty funny, only because I hadn't had a pedicure in about 6 months (!!) and was going to get one after the oil change. My toes were groooosss, but I said thank you anyway. I've found that people are more receptive when you take a compliment than if you pretend you don't deserve it. I even got a 15% coupon from the cutest boy(sweet!).

Later I was getting a chai latte (yuuuum) when I noticed a sweet WRX sitting in the parking lot. Apparently the dude sitting in it noticed me, too, and "accidentally" laid on the horn. I buried my giggle in my cup as I watched the dude get out of his car. He was probably about 40-45 in a nice business suit. However, the business suit + the WRX screamed "midlife crisis" and I scurried away.

My ex-bf unfortunately attends the same school as I do and he stopped by the office I work in (that he's going to be working in, too, ahhhhhhh)and we chatted about nonsense while he stared at my boobs.

As I was driving to TJ Maxx after work, this Saturn full of boys pulled up next to me and started acting goofy to get my attention, I suppose. Then one lit up what appeared to be a bowl. You stay classy.

My point, I suppose, is that boys come in all shapes, sizes and demeanors and they're everywhere so open up those beautiful peepers every once in a while and take in the view (even if they are acting silly).

missed connections

2009-11-30T17:41:00.004-05:00

I remember, a loooong time ago, an old boss of mine told me that sometimes people cross your path and you may not immediately understand why, but later on, down the road, you'll figure it out (and maybe appreciate it more! [or less]) I applied that logic to almost every person I've ever dated/friends with and realized it only counts towards those people still in my life.
I often wonder, though, what about The Potentials? Those people that have always sparked your curiousity, but never did anything about?
Take into consideration a dude I will call Mr. T( not because of the resemblance to the great actor, but because his last name is really friggin' long), I had a one night stand with the cutie ohhhhhh maybe 4 years ago (and, yes, it was fantastic). But along came ex-gf and fucked it allll up. My huge ego and innate sense of self-respect prevented me from continuing the budding romance and I took the moral high road of BTFU (Backing The Fuck Up) and denying any and all sexual involvement. I do, however, wish whatever was/could have happened was given a chance.
Then there's Mr. Bomb.com himself. The Ex That Will Never Go Away. I still want to get naked from time to time. I still wish I could have had more patience. But that's the love that never was. I still think he's hot.
And finally, Mr. R. He's married now to a woman he finds sub par. I had a few one nighters with him, as well (screaming included), and he just never left my memory. Nor I in his, either, apparently. He still wants me [around] and has told me multiple times. I do not condone sex with married people. I think its wrong in so many ways. Its not my friggin' fault you're unhappily married. But in his words,"You just up and left without a word. And it was time." Sorry, dear sir, the best I can do is buy you a beer.

exes

2009-11-30T14:40:00.003-05:00

My ex always brings up sex with me and how much we should do it one last time or something along those [cheesy] lines. The question is: do I or do I not? Unfortunately for every con (ex-bf) there is always a pro (sex with this ex is realllly fun). The list goes on (really cute but still ex-bf) and I realize I will forever be attracted to him (ex-bf!!!!) But what if its something I'm supposed to do and ignoring my destiny is somehow going to fuck shit up?! Does that just sound stupid? What if we were the last 2 people on earth, would I do him dirty (yes i would without a doubt.)? We were once fuck buddies way back when after we broke up, but I put a kibosh on that shit, mostly because I: didn't want to get involved emotionally/didn't know what-who-else he was doing(herpesyphigonalaids!!!)/was in a really depressive state of mind (couldn't make responsible decisions)/was really horny(again- can't make really responsible decisions). Buuuuuut, I'm young, I should be having fun slash doing whatever I want, right? Maybe it has something to do with him being an Aquarius and me being a Leo, and, if thats the case, then I can/should ignore it for the well-being of mankind (and my sanity).

Stupid brain

2009-11-30T14:02:00.003-05:00

Does dependence take away from independence? If you consider yourself independent, does telling someone you love them suddenly make you less independent? Love makes you vulnerable, sad, lonely sometimes, but on the other hand, its soothing, reassuring, and exciting, even. Is it meant to be this confusing/difficult? If someone tells you,"I hope you can love me someday," does that mean that that person is sad that I don't love them already? Does that mean I am supposed to love that person? I need to stop letting my brain get in the way of my heart. Someone once told me to "just go with it" and then we broke up. Sooooo....Fuck! Why is this shit so difficult.

One's real life is often the life that one does not lead. oscar wilde.

2009-11-11T14:41:00.001-05:00

This isn't depressing or anything...

Not too much will run smoothly or go your way today in your relationships, but if you keep working toward a goal you will make some progress. A change at home will be beneficial to you and everyone around you. Stop being so hard on yourself and realize you are who you are and you're doing the best you can.

That was my horoscope for today. I am now nothing but optimistic.

There's Just Something About You

2009-11-04T18:53:00.001-05:00

So once upon a time I went on an accidental date. It was innocent, really, just 2 friends meeting up to de-stress over drinks. Then, somewhere around glass #5 it turned into an all out party where I ended up drinking in the back of a car drinking a bottle of vino performing as the sole member in my own dance party. Before midnight I was struck in the head by the gremlin of drunkeness and my friend started to look more pretty than usual. By three in the morning I was wearing my sweatpants and a shirt that seemingly appeared on my body and by 3:35 I was cruising around in dreamland.

The next morning I was kissed awake and, without hesitation, I kissed back. I would like to concur with Mr. Foxx and "blame it on the alcohol" but I think the thoughts of my friend being pretty seemed more viable in the A.M. than they were the previous evening. This went on in fits and spurts for almost an entire day, mostly because 1.) I was too hungover to move and 2.) We were having Extreme Napping competitions (and itall stopped abruptly once I puked). None of this is abnormal, obviously, I've heard of worse stories coming out of a night of drunken debauchery. It was what my friend said as my brain was giving birth to a migraine,"You're not even really my type...I don't know why...there's just something about you."

Hardly flattering, but hardly surprising, either.

Its funny to listent to guys talk about what they prefer in a female. I've heard it all, I think, ad nauseum. I can almost fill in the blanks before they even start speaking.

"I'm an ___ (boobs, ass, legs, teeth, vagina) man."
"I prefer ____ (blondes, brunettes, red heads, anything)."
"The chick has to be ____ (athletic, petite, curvy, fat) chicks."
"I like 'em ___ (tanned, light skin, dark skin)."
"I love ___ (asians girls, hispanic chicks, white girls, black girls)."
"She must be ___ (younger, older, much older) than me."
"I love it when they're ___ (easy, hard to get, promiscuous, fucking crazy, virginal, nuns)."

The lists are practically endless and I'm sure there are options that I don't want to know exist but in the end it all comes down to men generally just loving women.

I've never really categorized myself by any particulars, mostly because that's too time-consuming and not very fun (unless you're on match.com or something and its a requirement). My favorite part is when someone is spouting off his/her preference in females none of it is ever applicable to moi but once they get to know me, all hats are off and I've heard (more than once),"You blew my world apart." and "You're the best I've ever had." and "There will only ever be one you." and "You're unforgettable."and "You're all I've ever wanted." and. and. and. And somehow I end up single with a scroll full of complaints in my hand and a John Deere letter in the other. If thats not confusing then I don't know what is.